WHOOOO!!!

HAHAHAHAHA I can't stop smiling =] =] =]
for years, I faked most of my smiles and all of my laughter.
just last january, I was cutting myself worse than ever!
I didn't even want to walk out of my room, I was so depressed, and now I'm dancing all the way down highway 17!!!

God is so crazy awesome..I am so thrilled right now, getting back from a party with the Holy Spirit in Santa Cruz with yining and angel. We drank in so much JOY, it was such a contrast from drinking a ton of alcohol..and yet parallel in some ways!

At an AA meeting with an old friend last saturday, I was reminded of a lot of things about my past alcohol addiction:

1. I was always so thirsty, I had never been able to resist drinking alcohol that was readily available. The only time I managed not to was the most victorious night of my life up to that point: Oct. 14 2007. I stayed up ALL night long, until the sun came up, struggling every minute to convince myself not to drink. I finally brought myself to pour it all down the sink so that it was out of reach.
   
2. It was like I would WATCH my own hand reach for a bottle independent of my will, and the rest of me would desperately but helplessly try to stop it. On three occasions, my phone rang the second before my hand touched it, and I was able to stop..thank God. He always intervened in crazy detailed ways like that, to show me that he was involved in every little detail of my life and he was still there time after time and he was never going to leave or give up on me =]
   
3. It consumed my efforts and my thoughts during 2006, after May 2nd. I was always trying to figure out how to hook myself up without talking to anyone I knew (I was super paranoid about anyone finding out).
   
4. A staff worker at my christian campus fellowship, Carol Lee, hinted something to me, telling me that she once talked to a woman who was working at CityTeam's alcohol/drug recovery program like I was, who then realized that she had an addiction problem too and she enrolled herself in the program!
   
5. I would go around the frat houses AFTER parties were over and pool the half-empty cups of alcohol into bottles and stock them in my fridge, or end up leaning on some concrete steps until 6am.
6. I would always drink alone.
   

BUT NOW, I can party with the Holy Spirit and drink living water and new wine from Jesus! I used to drink alcohol alone all the time, but now yining is my first drinking buddy, haha!

This is for real. I could never drink enough alcohol and I would always be left empty, but this spiritual water that Jesus gives is LASTING and FILLING -- it becomes a deep well in our souls, a river of living water that will flow out to the nations and bring healing and new life wherever we go! I was so thirsty. I'm going to drink enough for a nation! because God is endlessly abundant in His love for us.

Before winter break, I was thinking about asking Vicky Nguyen to keep me accountable to not drink alcohol over break...but then I started to feel like maybe I didn't want to..maybe I wanted to re-attempt that whole, controlled drinking thing that recovered alcoholics can sometimes manage. But I had tried that in august when I turned 21, after three days of contemplating whether or not to try it (I think Jesus was hurt by how much I wanted to try it, because I had cheated on Him with Alcohol in the past, and it was as though my old lover had moved into town and I desperately wanted to go say hello) -- it didn't work at all..I couldn't stop for three days. So I realized that I would likely be drunk on alcohol every day if I opened that door even a crack during winter break, and it would separate me from God and from people.

I am prone to addiction. I am just so thirsty. I always need to have one addiction in my life -- something of which I just always want more and more all the time. something to FILL THE SPACE in my heart without tearing it up. Dear God, thank you for being my perfect addiction. The search has ended: I've found the One who satisfies. I am safe with you. You massage my heart and heal all the pain. you make it softer and more ALIVE instead of dead and desensitized. YOU LIVE IN ME and I am filled with JOY overflowing!

So instead, I realized I could ask my friend to keep me accountable to getting drunk EVERY DAY -- drunk in the Holy Spirit! drinking in so much joy and love in Jesus that I forget myself and do crazy things (who knew it had the same effects as alcohol =P). now I can love with abandon


// edit: hang over from drinking so much Holy Spirit = waking up with a smile already on my face, and bursting into laughter! hahaha this is crazy, but oh so awesome, I want you all to taste what I mean. He is good =]